Forever Young

It’s 7:00 p.m. on a Sunday and what I SHOULD be doing is writing my blog/homework assignment for my therapy session tomorrow night. What I am SUPPOSED to be writing about is what I think mom’s response to my “10ish Things I Hate About You” blog would be. But in order to write that, I would have to embrace a lot of feelings and a lot of pain that I just don’t have the energy to process right now.

But also, it would require me to put a pause on what I really want to talk about… and that is how absolutely amazing my day was yesterday. They are so few and far between lately that it’s hard to ignore how awesome it was. Plus, I think mom would prefer to read this one, so here I am.

At mom’s funeral “after-party” (honestly that’s really the only thing I can call it) her dear friends let us know that they had purchased a memorial paver in her honor that would be placed at the Memorial Union Terrace on Madison’s campus. I had sort of forgotten about it until one afternoon Brandon and I were talking about how he’s never been to Madison (gasp, I know!) and that he would love to watch the Badgers walk all over Michigan State. It’s been years since I have set foot in Camp Randall, so I didn’t need much convincing. But here is the most amazing part – there were so many OTHER people that wanted to go too… to celebrate mom and watch our Badgies bring home a W on homecoming.

Mom’s paver was (thankfully) installed last Thursday, just a few days prior to the game. It meant so much that it was finally placed (thanks BARB!) and that we would all be able to see it together and cherish that moment.

And so yesterday, on a chilly fall afternoon, 17 of mom’s most favorite people gathered on the terrace at her perfectly placed memorial paver and toasted to her, to her beautiful life, and to how much we all miss her. There were a lot of tears, a fair share of champagne, and plenty of Spotted Cow to go around. We reminisced, we laughed, we cried… it was beautiful and mom was everywhere.

It’s been a tough few weeks/months and I know there are so many of us that have really been having a hard time grieving and letting go. The first few months were painful, but it felt more like it was just some horrible nightmare that we would eventually wake up from. But as more time passes, I have found that the less people talk about her and ask about her, the harder and harder it gets. And the more time that passes, there is less patience and understanding of our pain and grief. I find that people ask, “how are you doing”, but really, they mean “are you over it yet.” So, we smile and we say we’re fine. But really, we are so far from it.

It’s been 245 days and it hurts more now than ever before. Everything feels and looks the same, but it’s so very, very wrong. This massive, larger than life presence is missing from my life, but this weekend I realized that I am not alone. That there are so many other people that feel it to.

I just wish mom could know how much of her there is in everything we do. The smallest, trivial, mundane moments feel significantly empty without her. But at times I hold on to the fact that while I cannot see her, I know she is always there. We all continue to carry her with us wherever we go, and I have never felt that so intensely as I did yesterday, surrounded by so many people mom loved so much.

I got to hear so many amazing stories of mom I have never heard before, we shared so many laughs over the goofiest, weirdest things she used to do, and – most importantly – I had people tell me all day how much I reminded them of her. And I mean, if that’s not the best compliment ever, I don’t know what is.

I miss her in the tiniest moments, but yesterday, in one of my favorite places surrounded by so many amazing people, I missed her in the tiny moments between each second that ticked by. She should have been there. She should have been there, laughing and making toasts and jumping around with us all. But she wasn’t. And that’s still a pain that I don’t think I will ever get past. The more I can’t see her, the more I wish I could.

After the drive back from Madison last night, I stayed up late with dad bonding and watching more college football. As he ended up horizontal on the couch (where he finds himself most nights) he mumbled/talked to me as he dozed off to sleep. He mentioned how much fun the day was and that it was one of the best days he has had in a long time. And then, his final words right before he fell asleep - “I miss her so much Maggie, I don’t know what I am going to do.”

I miss her too dad, and I have no idea what I am going to do either.

But today, I will settle for holding on to an amazing weekend full of memories, a beautiful memorial, a HUGE Badger win, and the most importantly, some of the most wonderful friends and family a girl could ever ask for.

I miss you mom. We all do.  💔