I’ll Love You Forever, I’ll Like You for Always

One of my previous blogs, “10ish Things I hate About You,” stemmed from a therapy session and then a homework assignment from said therapist. She is great, but man…she really loves to challenge me when it comes to expressing my emotions (as if I’m not emotional enough already) which then, in turn, makes me sob uncontrollably for lengthly amounts of time.

So here I am, back at it, attempting to put to paper all of my feelings while I try to capture (what I think) mom’s response to that blog would have been.

But here’s the thing… how the hell am I supposed to envision what a dead person would say to me? Mom or not, best friend be dammed, I really have NO fucking idea what she was thinking in those last months, days, or hours. She hid it from us all – her pain, her worry, her grief. She never let any of us see her cry, not once through those 9 months of hell. She never complained, she never talked about dying. Hell, I don’t even think she really believed that she was dying until those last few weeks.

So, what would she really have said to me after I spilled my guts out to her spirit form, telling her all the reasons that I am selfishly mad at her because she left me here? What would she say to me if she knew how pissed I am that she left without a real goodbye, that she left too soon, that she left in such a horrible, god awful way…or that she left at all? Part of me thinks she would tell me to stop being so dramatic, to stop being so self-centered and to get over myself. But, I know my mom. I know what an amazing, beautiful, patient, loving, dedicated, and goofy person she was. And I know she wouldn’t have been mad at me for being mad at her. She wouldn’t have told me to process it and move on. She would be aching too.

And with that, I THINK her response to me would have gone something like this…

————————————————————————————————————————————————————

Oh Maggiedoodle,

You’re breaking my heart. I feel so selfish that I left you this way, and that I left you with so many questions and with so much pain in your heart.

You and Charlie are my whole world, and you know I would have done anything to change all of this if I could have. I truly believed I was fine – and that’s why I waited so long. And then I truly believed I was going to beat this – I promise I wouldn’t have lied to you about that. And I know that I pinky swore to you that I wasn’t going anywhere – and while I know it doesn’t feel like it now – I promise I am still with you every single day.

I hate that I didn’t make it to your 32nd birthday, another promise broken, but I tried. I really did. I was just so tired, and the pain was too much. But believe me when I say, there was nothing I wanted more than to celebrate with my twinkies and toast to one of the greatest days of my life. The day that I was given the two greatest gifts I could have ever asked for. I wish I could have been there at 6:52 a.m., shaking you awake while dad and I sang happy birthday out of tune right before waking Charlie up to do the same. I wish I could call you at 6:52 every year from now through eternity. But I can’t and I am so, so sorry for that.

Maggie, I know how much you are hurting. But dad is going to need you... now more than ever. Please, please take care of him. Make sure he keeps the house tidy when he has company over and that he gets out and has fun and continues to live his life. Remind him that there really is so much left for him, even if he doesn’t believe it now. Make him laugh, keep him busy, and don’t ever – ever let him limit you when it comes to the number of bottles of wine you need to properly throw a party. 😊

I know none of this makes sense – and that none of us know or understand why this happened. I never planned on leaving you this soon. I never planned on leaving you all in this way. I thought I was going to beat it – I really did. For the longest time, I believed that the chemo and the radiation were strong enough to blast out those stupid little cancer cells and I would still be here with you. But I was wrong, and I am sorry for that too.  

At the end, I knew it was coming. I knew what was going to happen and that I would have to say goodbye – but I just love you all so much and I couldn’t burden you with it anymore. I hated how sad you all were, I hated making you all cry. My heart couldn’t bear the pain I caused you and the emptiness you were left with. I didn’t want you to uproot your life or do something drastic because of me - because I know you would have moved home in an instant if I had asked you too. I didn’t want that for you. But most importantly, I didn’t want you to remember me that way – so sick and tired and confused.

The truth is, I don’t know why my life ended up this way. I don’t know why I was chosen for this path or why you were all destined to suffer so much with me gone. It isn’t fair. None of it is, and I don’t know why I had to go.

But here is what I do know. You are going to do amazing, wonderful things. You are going to do beautiful things, and I hate that I won’t be there to see it. Just know that I will be with you ever single step of the way. You are going to hurt, probably for a while, but I know you will be fine because you have always been the strongest person I know.

I have watched you go through so many hard things during your short life, so many experiences that I had to stand on the sidelines and watch you figure out for yourself – in part because I knew you needed it, but also because you were so gosh darn stubborn you never let me all the way in. You were my daughter – so I respected your space. But you were also my best friend, and I was always there for you, even if I couldn’t tell you so.

Here is what else I know. You will find love, good love…and it will feel right. You will be successful in whatever you do – and I know this, not just because I am your mom, but because I have watched you shine your whole life. You might not have always been the tallest or the fastest or the smartest, but you are the scrappiest little fighter I know. That’s why I have no doubts that you will succeed in this life, because you are too stubborn not to. You’re welcome for that by the way.

I didn’t leave you a note because there is nothing I could have said in it that you don’t already know. I am so, so incredibly proud of you. You inspire me, with your wit and your charm and your determination. You are beautiful, inside and out, and I love you more than words can say. And I will miss you more than you can ever imagine.

Promise me, no pinky swear, that you will continue to celebrate “Terri’s Birthday Month.” That you will always say “salud” instead of “cheers”, and that you think of me every time Twilight comes on. I hope that you smile and turn up the volume when you hear ‘Pink Sunglasses’ and that you never forget what was probably the best advice I ever gave you; that no matter how terrible you feel, no matter how sad you are – never, ever leave the house without mascara and some lip gloss.

Take care of your dad and make sure he gets another dog to keep him company. The bigger, the better. Reach out to Charlie – even if he doesn’t answer – he’s hurting more than you know. And if you ever need anything, you know that you have the entire Tobin clan in your corner and all of my friends who will be there for you in a heartbeat.

You’re my little love bug and I can’t wait to hold you in my arms again.

Until then, keep me in your heart and never forget how much I love you.

Love you more times infinity (see, I win again).

Xo

Mommy Dearest