A Birthday Wish
“And perhaps, what made her beautiful was not her appearance or what she achieved, but in her love and in her courage, and in her audacity to believe: no matter the darkness around her, light ran wild within her, and that was the way she came alive, and it showed up in everything.”
Day 1. Today marks the beginning of another journey around the sun. Another year on this earth, and another year you get to do this crazy thing called life.
Today you’re 365 days stronger. 365 days wiser. 365 days better. And 365 days more awesomer. Yeah. I said it.
You’ve been through SO much this last year. And yet, you still smile, you still laugh, and you still put everyone else and their feelings first. You struggle through pain, through tears, and through grief to make sure everyone else around you feels at peace. And that in and of itself deserves a celebration.
Today isn’t just another birthday. Today is another day at life.
And the thing about life is, it’s fragile and unpredictable. And what all of this has taught me is that each day is a gift, not a given right, and it should be celebrated as such.
I know I have been absent from here since mom came home from the hospital. I see you all logging in daily, checking for updates and hoping for good news. But between a crazy schedule and my even crazier emotions, I just haven’t had the heart or the energy to reach out to you all.
The truth is, I don’t have much to report. Mom came home from the hospital on Friday, December 7 and since then, we have just been in a holding pattern. People always say that “no news is good news” but to be honest, whoever said that was full of shit. Clearly this moron didn’t have to sit around waiting (for an unknown length of time) to find out if their mom still had cancer.
To me, no news doesn’t feel like good news. No news = worry. If you google the definition of the verb “to worry,” ole Webster defines it as “to think about problems or fears; to feel or show fear and concern because you think that something bad has happened or could happen.” Interesting enough, it's also defined as a noun: “a state of anxiety and uncertainty over actual or potential problems.” Synonyms? Anxiety, Agitation, Tension, Stress and yup, you guessed it...Maggie Holt.
We worry, hoping that it will somehow change the situation, solve the problem, or bring peace in its place. But in reality, worry brings sleepless nights, an indescribable heaviness that weighs on our hearts, anxiety, a bad attitude and for some of us, a serious wine problem. Worrying has brought zero benefits to my life, but there are some days when it’s the only thing I can feel. Because the waiting and the thinking and the "what if’s" and "what’s next" have been the hardest thing to process.
But nothing good comes from worrying, because we can only change what we can. And I have yet to figure out how to change the fact that mom has cancer.
Since she came home from the hospital, she has spent much of her time sleeping. Between the morphine, the codeine, the flexeral and the lasting effects of the radiation, she has been extremely tired and severely nauseous. Her weight has slowly started to increase, thanks to the at home TPN treatments, and she continues to keep her temperatures in check which is great news seeing as it’s flu season and she has zero immune system. Her blood work has been holding steady and overall, she is doing much better than she was over Thanksgiving. Eating continues to be a struggle, but we hope it will improve with time.
Tomorrow mom will go in for a scan to determine if the cancer has spread past her esophagus. Unfortunately, due to the scaring and swelling from all her treatments, they won’t even be able to truly evaluate ground zero. Once we determine that the cancer HASN'T spread (I'm putting it out there universe), she will meet with her teams of oncologists and surgeons to discuss surgery to remove any remaining tumor/cancer cells once her eating has improved and she is stronger. Until then, more blood work, more waiting, and more praying.
But for the next 24 hours, I will not focus on tomorrow’s scan, I will not think about cancer or surgery or feeding tubes or calorie counts. Today, I will celebrate her special day. 😘
This year, I have one simple wish for you, my sweet mom. My wish is that you change what you can. But for everything you can’t, that you continue to endure it.
So today, as we celebrate you and everything that makes you so amazing, I hope you remember just how many people are, in fact, celebrating your life and that we still have you here. You’re a warrior, and we will continue to love you, pray for you, drink with you, laugh with you, cry with you and cheer for you every single day.
Happy birthday mom. Cheers to many, many more.