The Long Goodbye

Can you even call it that? A long goodbye? It's a neverending goodbye because this will never stop hurting. My heart will never stop feeling like it's going to rip out of my chest every time someone mentions your name or I see a picture of you. I will never be able to stop the flood of tears when I think of your goofy dance moves, your crazy fashion sense or your less than stellar jokes. 

I am so sick of people asking me if I am doing ok... I know they mean well, but do they think I will tell the truth? It's so hard - what passes for support can be so frustrating. Most people have lost touch since your funeral - which is natural. And then there's a huge group who still check in periodically (or even daily). They reach out with the best intentions, I know how much they care - but sometimes the words that try to erase or ease the pain actually do the opposite. When they try to make it all go away it feels like it's not OK to talk about it, to ralk about you, anymore. It’s like they care, but they don't really want to know. 

I have a hard time expressing my pain because no matter how many times they say they want to be there for me, that they can take it, it feels like no one really wants to hear it anymore. Or even worse, they try to relate to it, which is impossible. I feel most alone in the world when I need love the most. 

I am reading a book right now that sums it up perfectly...

"Intense grief is an impossibility: there is no "making it better." Words of intended comfort just grate. "Help" from other people feels like an intrusion. Attempts at connection or understanding come across as clueless or rude. Everyone has an opinion as to how you should be grieving and how you can make things better for yourself. Platitudes about coming through this "even stronger" and admonishment to "remember the good times" feel like a slap in the face. We behave as though grief is something to get out of as soon as possible, an aberration that needs healing, rather than a natural response to loss. Your friends and family see you in pain and they want to relieve your pain. But intentionally or not, by trying to solve your grief, they aren't giving you the support you actually need. What's worse- shares loss stories in an attempt to make you feel less alone inside your grief actually do the opposite. Comparing one grief with another almost always backfires. Grief is as individual as love. That someone has experienced a loss - even one similar to yours - does not mean they understand you."

You understood me. You always knew what to say to get me out of my saddest, darkest places. I need your advice... I need you to help me get through it all, but YOU'RE NOT HERE. 

You leaving will never make sense, even if and when my heart stops hurting this much, it will never be OK. Everything is different now and nothing feels real. I can't stop picturing you on your final day here, I can't erase every horrible detail from my memory. Mom, I don't want to have to say goodbye to you...

I'm having a glass for you tonight. Wherever you are, I hope you know how much I love you.