A Maverick to Your Goose

Hey mom-

Another honest moment from my hurting heart – I seem to be missing you more and more with every passing day. It’s been 62 days without you and I’ve been struggling to see the light. Today, I feel even more weighed down and defeated than usual, my world feels in disarray.  

I want to tell you about everything – it’s so surreal to go from being able to call you every single day to not at all. To go through the motions, to experience life without being able to share it all with you.

I know it’s normal to feel this way and that I’m not alone, but today my heart hurts for someone else entirely.

Dad.

See today is his first major first without you… and it’s a pretty big one. Today he turns 65. Not only is it a pretty important year, but it’s also his first birthday without you. And he’s hurting.

He hurts every day in fact, and it pains me because no matter how sad I am, how angry and bitter and heartbroken I feel, it doesn’t compare to what he’s going through. Every single day he comes home to an empty house, one that was once filled with so much love and laughter, with no one to talk to and nothing to do. To say he is lost without you is an understatement, he is broken.  

See, there is one thing that changed when you left – and that’s everything.

All of our lives have turned completely upside down, but for dad, his world became one he never wanted to live in. He lost his wife, the love of his life, his best friend… his goose.

I always loved that you guys said that. A few months ago I wrote a blog about it, but it still amazes me how much love and friendship there was between you. His toast at your funeral had everyone in tears, including dad – which is why I had to finish it for him.

My favorite part?

“At a party for our 25th wedding anniversary, I shocked Terri by actually standing up and doing a short speech. In it, I mentioned that Terri and I were like geese and we had mated for life. And although there may have been some hissing and honking along the way, we were in it for the long haul. We continued to live like that until the end.”

Did you know that when a goose's mate dies, that bird will mourn in seclusion -  and most geese spend the rest of their lives alone, refusing to mate again? When a goose goes through the mourning process, they lose weight and separate from their flock.

Mom, that’s what you left behind. Dad is now a lone goose – he is mourning. He’s losing weight. It’s hard to get him out of the house and the mere mention of you usually leads to tears.

But we are taking care of him. Your friends, your family, we are all rallying around him and making sure he doesn’t forget he still has so much more to live for.

I can’t bring you back. But I can be his friend – a maverick to your goose so to speak. And that’s exactly what I am doing. Plus, spending time with him makes me feel closer to you.

We all miss you like crazy, but we do our best to keep dad busy in honor of you. We know that’s what you would have wanted – so we take him to lunch. We take him to concerts. We get him out of the house and try to make him forget, even if it’s for just a moment.

Last weekend we celebrated his birthday – and we did it right. We ordered in takeout, we had a beautiful carrot cake, and we partied late on a Sunday enjoying some beers and a night of music at Turner Hall jamming out to Ryan Bingham. You know how much dad loves him.

The only thing missing from the night was you – and you would have had the best time.

I wish you could give dad a call today, just to wish him a happy birthday and tell him that everything is going to be OK, even though it doesn’t feel like anything will be again. He would probably settle for a sign, some kind of message from you that you miss him too.

I promise we’ll keep an eye on him.

PS

miss you more.