Happy-ish-ness

It's so hard to believe that next week marks one year since I heard the words "mags, it's cancer." It's hard to wrap my head around the fact that 365 days ago, my heart broke... but until 130 days ago, I realized I didn't even know what broken was.

Most of my posts since then have been about mom. About feeling lost. About trying to find something to believe in. But while I scrolled through my camera roll (like I do every night) looking at pictures of a life I will never get back, I realized I've ignored the life that I am living. That so much good happened in the 235 days between those two terrible ones, but I pushed it away because it didn't feel OK to feel happy-ish sometimes.

And that happy-ish-ness came from a place of love. It came from a group of people who are amazing and remind me every day that no matter how bad it gets, I will survive. They are the ones who have wiped my tears, picked me up off the floor, and turned the other way while I cried my eyes out at my desk. They distracted me, drank with me, laughed with me, and talked about mom with me.

So many memories went left unshared because it felt wrong to feel anything but pain. But tonight, thanks to a little bit of wine and a whole lot of tears, I realized that I can be sad, but I can also be thankful. ❤️