Terrible, Thanks for Asking

I’ve been at a loss for words lately - which, if you know me, is hard to imagine.

I find that every time someone asks me how i'm doing I reply, "i'm fine" without hesitation. Without a second of thought. Because that's what i'm supposed to say.

But the truth is, I am anything but fine and I can't find a way to explain that in a way that would make anyone else understand why or what that feels like. I’m. Not. Ok.

But I am ashamed to say that out loud. I feel stupid because it's been 498 days and I am afraid to be honest and admit that 95% of my smiles and laughs are forced, fake, and oh, so painful. No one likes dealing with sad people. As a society we despise grief in all it's awkward, at a loss for words, “I don't know what to say to you” glory. And as result, grief gets ignored - shoved into a teeny tiny dark place in your mind where you're forced to deal with every heartbreakingly painful, unbearable moment alone and scared just to avoid making everyone else around you uncomfortable.

So, in case you're wondering how i've been…

i'm terrible, but thanks for asking.