For the Birds
“I’m against the days, when the sky stays bummer grey. And the cake tastes just okay, okay. Well I guess I’m anti-yuck. Against the stuff that sucks, pulls the life out of your soul and shuts it down. I’m against the thought of letting good tomatoes rot. Being someone that you’re not, when you’re not. Well I guess I’m anti-hate, cause that ain’t what it takes. It’s love that makes this crazy world go round.” – Miranda Lambert
When I agreed to blog for mom to keep you all updated on her status, I didn’t really realize how hard it was going to be. Let’s be honest. For those of you who know me, you know that I’ve had a pretty shitty year. I never expected, at 31 years old, to be where I am today. But every day gets a little easier and I’m surrounded by incredible people and furry-four legged friends who love me without condition. And that’s pretty amazing.
But I mean…I’ve never had cancer. I’ve never had to sit in a chair for five hours while poison was pumped through my veins. I’ve never understood what it could feel like to wake up with clumps of hair on my pillow. I can’t imagine what goes through mom’s mind every morning when she wakes up. Or how angry she must feel sometimes.
So how the hell do I even begin to channel her experiences into this measly blog to share with all of you?
I made a goal for myself to post a new update every Sunday. But when I woke up this morning, my mind was totally blank. And let me tell you, with a job dedicated to making words sound great on paper, there is nothing more frustrating than a case of writer’s block. So, being the good little procrastinator that I am, I avoided it. I cleaned my apartment. Took Seger for a walk to burn off his birthday ice cream (see pic below 😌) and then I went grocery shopping.
On the way I home I figured I would give mom a call to see how she was doing since we haven’t spoken in a few days. She still doesn’t answer the phone much when I call, but I have finally taught myself to not assume the worst when that happens… she’s usually just taking a little “nappy-poo.”
We talked for about 20 minutes. She told me all about her week (more details below) and that she felt “okay, but not great.” We talked about dad and Izzy, about Charlie and Hailee and what they were doing to celebrate their big day!
HAPPY 1ST ANNIVERSARY GUYS! 🎉😍
We joked about little things and then we said our “I love you-s” and the typical “see ya later alligator-s" and we hung up.
And then, inspiration struck. See, I am a firm believer that music is medicine. Yeah, there’s exercise or Xanax or any one of your standard depression meds. But let me tell you. There is NOTHING better on this earth to get you through a crappy day than a good song with lyrics that MOVE you (unless it's maybe accompanied by a glass of red wine or two). After hanging up with mommy-dearest, the next song that just happened to come up on my Spotify was Miranda Lambert’s “For the Birds.” This is crucial to my story for two reasons. 1) Mom and I share a unique, slightly obsessive love for Miranda and everything she stands for and 2) I actually hated this song when her “Weight of These Wings” album came out in 2016.
It was a song that grew on me. Like I said before, it’s been a hard, weird year. But with a little bit of therapy and a whole lota music (and some more of that red wine), the days got easier. I owe a lot of that to a few country music artists, with Miranda being at the top of that list. You’re probably wondering “what the eff does this have to do with Terri”, but I promise, I am getting there.
To me, “For the Birds” is all about confronting the soul-searching feelings that you’re left with after going through something really, really terrible. It’s about finding peace in the simple things in life and truly appreciating the things that bring you the most joy. It’s about creating an anti-negativity zone and just simply… loving life. This is something that mom does every.single.day.
It’s been said that music is what feelings sound like. And I truly believe that. Which is why this morning, as I turned my radio up and rolled my windows down, I couldn’t help but smile. I had all the feels because I JUST KNOW that mom is going to come out of all this stronger and better than ever. Not only has she been so upbeat and positive about everything since her diagnosis, but she is surrounded by the most amazing support system she could ever ask for. All of your prayers and support have meant the world to her and our entire family. Case in point, look at the pic below with all the #TerriTacklesCancer bracelets/rings I will be mailing out tomorrow. You guys literally are the best.
This morning mom said she was “feeling good, not great.” Which is to be expected. But then she wanted to clarify in saying she “feels good” as in, she would be totally down to lay by a pool with a beer and a good book. But “not great” meaning she wasn’t really up for water-skiing today. I’m really glad she cleared that up for us. 🤣
Last week she made it into work four of the five days, which is a feat all in itself given what she is going through. I know, based on everything she has said and the messages I have received from her co-workers, that she is so grateful for how supportive and amazing everyone at Old Republic has been
Yesterday mom and dad spent the day at North Hills with the fam golfing and having “lunch.” And by lunch I mean, everyone else ate and mom had an “extra” blended grasshopper. 😁 Solids continue to be a struggle, but she keeps trying to find new ways to nourish her teeny tiny little body. And while I know she won’t admit it, I can tell that the hair loss as been a bummer for her. Always the positive Polly, she somehow finds the strength to keep a “Terri-esque” outlook on everything and even mentioned how excited she is that her new wig looks so realistic. She also finds a strange amount of joy in freaking people out and offering them clumps of her hair. She never ceases to amaze me.
Tomorrow she will head into work and then back to the hospital on Tuesday for her third round of high-dose chemo…so long as her platelets are playing nice. If her count is too low, she will be rescheduled for Thursday. Chemo will likely be followed by a few “down” days of nausea and sleepiness, so if you don’t hear from her, just know that she is NOT ignoring you… she is actually ignoring everyone. 😂
She mentioned an “unconfirmed” feeling that her doctors might push for some new scans between her third and fourth high dose treatment. We ask for prayers that her tumor has shrunk and the cancer has not spread past her one, single lymph node. Hopefully everything will be a go to start her radiation+chemo super combo in September!
Before hanging up with mom I asked if she had anything to say to all her blog followers. She told me to tell you all to be well and thank you. Here she is, fighting cancer, and she prays every day for each of you. The best part is, I know she means it.
Thank you all again for the love and support. If you’re ever in need of a smile or some “good feels,” I encourage you to poor yourself a glass of wine and put on some Miranda and think of mom.
Till next week.
Maggie