When You Choose Hope, Anything Is Possible

"Keep going. That's all you ever have to do. You really don't have to be amazing or fierce or beautiful or successful or good.

Just keep going, please. 

Slowly is fine. 
Crawling is fine. 

No feeling is final. 
Only hope."

Hope is a crazy, crazy thing. And in the absence of hope, is fear and pain and heartbreak, so I am CHOOSING to continue holding on to hope and love and prayer with every ounce of my being. 

And I hope that you can all continue to do that too, because you know what friends? Mom feels it, our whole family does, and she needs more of it. 

Last Thursday at her pre-scheduled meeting with Dr. Alqwasmi, she told him that her shoulder pain was no longer tolerable. She has been hiding behind her brave mask for too long and she finally asked for more. More relief, more help, more reasons to hold on to hope. 

And so, they admitted her back into the hospital to find a way to help her control her pain. Since then, they have been trying out some new drugs, some different combinations of drugs, and looking into some procedures to relieve her pain. Want to know why? Because (insert all the 😌🙏🏻❤️🙃🥰🙂 here) she is going to need all the strength and energy she can muster since we're not giving up. No way. No how.

Dad called me Friday night with some of the best news I have heard since this nightmare started. After initially being denied, her insurance company APPROVED our appeal for immunotherapy. 

Now this is such joyful, hopeful news for so many reasons. First, Dr. Alqwasmi believed enough in mom and this treatment to appeal for it. Second, because the insurance company believed enough in the drug and in mom to approve it... I mean this shit is NOT cheap and they are footing the bill. And third, and most importantly, mom has faith and hope that she still has enough fight in her to keep going. 

And today, I am chalking that up to a win. 🙌🏼

She will be released later this evening and will go home to rest and be with dad and Izzy. Tomorrow, she will be admitted to a different hospital to undergo a surgical nerve block which will hopefully provide her some much needed pain relief as we wait to hear when she will begin her immunotherapy treatment. 

She is up to a whopping 115 lbs. and continues to fight every day. When I tell you she is the strongest, most graceful woman I have ever know, it doesn't due her justice for what she has been through. 

She is an amazing mom, a loving sister, a perfect daughter, a loyal friend, a Tobin, a Holt, a dog mom, a traveler, a goofball, a country music lover, and an adored wife. But she is also a warrior, a fighter, and a believer. 

We know nothing in this life is a guarantee, that this Keytruda might not work for her, and we are realistic of what that could mean. But we won't stop fighting for her and with her and loving her every step of the way. But most importantly, we will never, ever let go of our hope. 

I hope you don't either.