I've Been "Good"

Hey mom,

I know- pretty ironic title right? But the truth is, I think I’ve said “I’ve been good” or “I’m fine” a thousand times these past few weeks.

That’s what you’re supposed to say right? When the people who love you, who want to be there for you, keep asking how I’m doing…

“I’m good.”

But the truth is, I am no where near good. I’m fucking pissed. I’m angry. I’m furious at life and at God and at this world that just keeps spinning when I feel frozen in time- with my heart stuck back on the day that you left me.

I’m so tired of putting a fake smile on my face and telling everyone I’m OK just to avoid making them feel uncomfortable. Why do people bother asking anyway?

How the eff do they expect me to be doing? I held your hand 16 freaking days ago and watched you die and now I’m doing my best just to physically get out of bed every morning.

So… “I’ve been good”? Nah.

But I have been good at drinking wine, hell I practice that all the time. I’ve been good at staying up all night, I’ve been good at faking smiles and lashing out and crying at the most inopportune moments - but that’s about all I’m good at right now.

What I want to tell them all is that I’m breaking apart inside. That I miss you with every ounce of my being. That I call your cell phone multiple times a day just to hear your voice - to make sure I never forget what it sounds like.

I used to love being around people. I thrived in large groups - surrounded by friends. I was a people person, eager to please and always trying to make everyone laugh or put them at ease.

That’s a trait I got from you. Something I have always been so proud of. But now I don’t have the energy or the heart to be that person anymore. I avoid work, I avoid phone calls and texts. I avoid life. I wish like hell I could just call you and ask you what I should do.

Ask you how I go back to who I was before?

Ask you how I can escape this state of being? Where I feel everything and nothing at all…

I always said that I didn’t know where I would be without you, and here I am - without you and with no idea how to move forward.

It’s the simplest things in life that feel the hardest - waking up every morning and experiencing those few moments of bliss before the awful truth hits me like a ton of bricks. Pushing through the soul crushing sadness just to make it through a single day of work. Attempting a workout in hopes that the burning in my muscles and my lungs will out-scream the pain roaring through my heart.

Fuck.

I miss you.

But I’m trying my best - to let love in from all those people who called you friend. I’m trying my best to not worry about being too much, saying too much, or caring about what other people think because I know you would have told me to be proud of it and to just be me.

I’m doing my damnedest to remember that there is brightness in the world and that every moment of pain is simply a reflection of a memory of you that was so wonderful - and that’s why it hurts so much.

I’m doing my best to let all the amazing people around me hug my broken pieces back together. Letting them hold my hand in the moments that bring me to tears and laugh with them during those rare times when my heart feels - just for a moment - at peace.

I miss you all the time. Sege says hi. And don’t worry, we’re doing our best to take care of dad

xo