1,000 Days of Grief

1,000 days.
1,000 days of grief.
1,000 days without her.
1,000 days of missed phone calls, missed birthdays, missed holidays, missed childbirths, missed anniversaries.

1,000 days of grief.

how did we get here?

i mean, it seems crazy right? it literally feels like yesterday that i was holding her hand as she lay there unconscious, begging her not to go but praying for her pain to finally subside.

i remember thinking that night, as i stumbled into my bed at 4 am, that i just needed to make it to tomorrow - i just had to survive one more day. and then the next. and then the funeral. and then it was simply surviving her first heavenly birthday, our first christmas without her, her first deathaversery... i just had to keep surviving.

and now, here we are -

1,000 days later, bracing ourselves as summer comes to an end and we mentally prepare for the bitterness that cruel winter brings. months filled with cold and heartache, with sadness, shitty memories, and holidays that look nothing like they used to - lacking in tradition and joy, and the overwhelmingly happy warmth that she brought to us.

1,000 days of grief.

the reality of grief is far different from what others see from the outside.

outside, your busy and distracted. smiling at the right moments, showing up when you're supposed to. externally numb to the pain and hiding the tears that come at the worst possible times.

inside, your mind can't stop replaying what happened - your heart can stop wishing for different results. you find yourself stuck on the moments where you could have done something different. you could have fought harder for her, got second opinions, researched clinical trials... made her go to the doctor sooner when your gut was screaming at you that SOMETHING'S WRONG.

but some things can't be fixed - just carried. and the best we can do is learn to live inside our loss. to allow it to change us, but not let it overcome us.

1,000 days of grief and i'm still surviving. that has to count for something, right?

#istherewineinheaven #missyoumore #psiloveyou