The Longest Sentence I Know...

for being the shortest month of the year, february has been very long, very hard, and very dark. i have amazing people (and for legged best buds) who continue to pull me out of the emotional quicksand that has become my life - but these past few weeks have been so hard, it has felt impossible to smile and push through. i (barley) survived the second anniversary of the worst day of my life. my 34th birthday. and the pain in seeing every facebook memory and "timehop" on february 16 of her funeral.

it was that day i realized i needed a break - a small hiatus from telling the world how much i missed you, because i can only imagine how fucking sick and tired they are of hearing it. i didn’t login. i didn’t post. i didn’t read the words of other fellow grieving strangers in this weird insta community.

i wanted to just feel normal. to feel ok. to not feel.

i went on vacation. i celebrated friends. i said dumb shit and drank too much and embarrassed myself and hated myself and woke up wishing none of it ever happened. i woke up wishing that life was easier and everything didn't hurt so fucking much.

today i woke up missing you and realizing that no matter how many timeouts i take or how hard i try to pretend this isn't my life, missing you will forever be the longest most painful bad dream i will ever live through. but also, missing you is something i don't ever want to take a break from again...