Music is What Feelings Sound Like

I know I probably sound like a broken record (no pun intended) but you all keep coming back, so I am going to keep writing what I know.

And what I know, is music. Not how to write it, and certainly not how to sing it (hellooooo tone deaf). But most definitely how to appreciate it. How to learn from it. And how to heal from it.

Today I spent a lot of time alone with my feelings. But lucky for me, I never truly feel alone when the radio is on. Music is my escape. It silences the world and my worries. It brings life into perspective. So, with that, I am going to give you all an all access, backstage pass into the mess that is my emotions and the songs and lyrics that got me through this cold and rainy Sunday.

Cry Pretty - Carrie Underwood 

I'm sorry, but I'm just a girl. Not usually the kind to show my heart to the world. I'm pretty good at keeping it together, I hold my composure, for worse or for better. So I apologize if you don't like what you see, but sometimes my emotions get the best of me. And falling apart is as human as it gets, you can't hide it, you can't fight what the truth is.

You can pretty lie and say it's okay. You can pretty smile and just walk away. Pretty much fake your way through anything, but you can't cry pretty.

Carrie. Freaking. Underwood. Girlfriend, you nailed this shit.

Those of you closest to me know that I wear my heart…and my emotions on my sleeve. I’ve never been afraid to admit it or show it. I care about others. I ache for others. And sometimes my feelings get the best of me. In fact, someone I used to consider my best friend once told me that my biggest flaw is that I care too much about other people. So much so that I always wind up getting hurt.

Turns out he was right.  And there is only one person I have to blame for that. My mom. I learned from the best. And if there is anyone on this planet who has mastered the art of a “pretty lie” and a “pretty smile,” or pretty much faking her way through anything, it’s Terri. Case in point, these last three weeks. I can tell you right now, mom is the saddest, the sickest, and the lowest she has been since this whole cancer thing started. She’s just really, really good at hiding it.

Monsters - Eric Church 

Anymore when a restless feelin' keeps me up at night, fallin' on my knees is my new turnin' on the light. I keep my faith intact, make sure my prayers are said, cause I've learned that the monsters ain't the ones beneath the bed.

Life was so easy when the scariest thing we had to face was the monsters we dreamed up in our minds. Adulting is hard. Especially when, as an adult, monsters come in the form of tumors and cancerous cells and poisonous treatments. Like Eric says,“greed stalks, sickness steals, and pride lays a wicked trap. You can’t avoid ‘em all, no, you gotta trust me on that.” Sickness steals so much from so many. I’ve watched is steal pounds off my mom. I’ve watched as it’s robbed her of energy, her appetite, and her hair. But the one thing this monster can’t steal from my dear mom is her fight.

Neon Church - Tim McGraw

I tried bended knee, hands-up prayin', but damn did that hurt don't just keep hangin' around. What I need right now is a neon church with a jukebox choir full of honky tonk angels with their wings on fire. Straight pourin' out that Johnnie Walker healin', I got a feelin'….I need a neon church.

If you’ve read my recent blogs, you know where I stand on faith and on prayer. Church is wherever you make it, and faith is finding light in the darkest of places. And if that light just so happens to be neon, so be it. Don’t judge me.

Grey - Cody Jinks

Livin' ain't a promise, livin' ain't a right. And no one here is getting out alive. So pick up all your pieces, cast the doubt away. Rediscover the color in the grey.

Life isn’t always rainbows and sunsets. This song always reminds me how important it is to find joy in the everyday. To live life to the fullest while you’re here on this earth and to not take anything, or anyone, for granted. ❤️

Best Years of My Life - Pistol Annies 

I'm gonna mix a drink and try to drown this worthlessness, call Mom and tell her I'm alright. Well he don't love me but he ain't gone yet. These are the best years of my life.

I feel like my entire life, all 31 years of it, can be summed up it one sentence… “welp, that didn’t go as fucking planned.” Bad things happen. Life falls apart, and people you love get cancer. But if there is one thing I have learned, it’s that everything happens for a reason. Life will be ok. It just might not turn out the way you planned it. I’m convinced that this badass trio wrote these lyrics about my life. Laced in sarcasm, pain, and the need for a “recreational percocet,” it’s important to remember that even if you feel like you’re in the worst of it, these most certainly are not the best years of your life. I know for a fact that is true, because for both me and mom, the best is yet to come.  

Some of It - Eric Church 

Some of it you learn the hard way. Some of it you read on a page. Some of it comes from heartbreak. Most of it comes with age. And none of it ever comes easy. A bunch of it you maybe can't use. I know I don't probably know what I think I do, but there's somethin to some of it.

My word’s can’t do this song justice. You just need to experience it for yourself.

Unwell - Matchbox 20 

Hold on…feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown, and I don't know why. But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell, I know right now you can't tell. But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see a different side of me.

I swear I wasn’t always this depressing. Stick with me, brighter skies are ahead. I promise.

Waitin' on the Whiskey to Work - Drake White

Well, I'm just waitin' on the whiskey to work, got some money in my shirt. And I'll stay here all night long if I have to. Oh, I'm just waitin' on the band to start, to play a little tune for a busted up heart. A little something to numb this world of hurt, waitin' on the whiskey to work.

Insert every cliché about sad country drinking songs. Again, don’t judge me.

Tough Girl - Tyler Hammond 

Your momma told you don’t you ever let em see you cry. If they make you angry, hit em’ with your sweeter side. And just smile, it will be alright. Now I ain’t saying that momma lied, but even the sharpest shooters need to reload, even the baddest bull riders have to finally let go. Cause they know when it’s out of their control.

Mom. YOU ARE A WARRIOR. Don’t ever forget that. You are the toughest freaking person I know. You’re facing your toughest battle yet… but you’re still standing. You’re still alive, and you’re strong than ever. Even if it doesn’t feel like it. You’ve. Got. This.

Sometimes - Candlebox

But sometimes, sometimes we carry more weight than we own. Oh, but sometimes, sometimes goes on.

OK, so this song is about a breakup, but the lyrics still make me think of mom. Because, as is human nature, sometimes we try to take on the world, but the truth is, it’s SO hard to do that alone. We as humans can only handle so much suffering, so much heartache, but mom continues to find ways to shield us all from the truth of it to not burden our souls and our minds. She is a fixer, she always has been. She looks for ways to make others feel better, to take the weight of the world off our shoulders only to add more weight to hers. Consequently, it’s the wrong kind of weight she needs right now…

A Little Dive Bar in Dahlonega - Ashley McBryde 

To the bag packed, first love leaver. The heart cracked, double down dreamer. The homesick for grass that's greener, and a slice of Mama's peach pie. To the flat broke, couch cushion gas money…the worker bee that ain't gettin' no honey. Missin' someone all the while runnin', gunnin' for the brighter lights.

Here's to the break ups that didn't break us, the break down, wrong turn that takes ya to a little dive bar in Dahlonega, hear a song from a band that saves ya, man. It's hittin' rock bottom smoke 'em if you got 'em, nothing's going right. Makin' the best of the worst day kinda night.

Despite the fact that I am pretty sure my mom has never, in her life, made a peach pie….THIS. SONG. MAKES. ME. SO. HAPPY. It also makes me miss home so much. In the ultimate anthem for anyone going through hell or who has hit rock bottom, Ms. McBryde speaks to every single one of us with these lyrics. Because we have ALL been there. If you haven’t heard it, I promise, it’s worth a listen.

Life Ain't Always Beautiful - Gary Allan

Life ain't always beautiful, sometimes it's just plain hard. Life can knock you down, it can break your heart. Life ain't always beautiful, you think you're on your way. And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day.

But the struggles make you stronger, and the changes make you wise. And happiness has it's own way of taking it's sweet time.

It’s not about how hard you’ve been hit, but rather, how strong you come back. It’s the rise that counts. The way you deal with what brought you down to begin with. That’s what makes you who you are. It’s not how you fall, but how you fly. A gentle reminder to anyone else who is having a really crappy day/week/month/year. Choose to be happy, it feels better.

Burning Man - Dierks Bentley featuring Brothers Osborne

I still don't get it right sometimes, I just don't get it as wrong. I still go a little bit crazy sometimes, but now I don't stay near as long.

I met my sweet friend Kasey for drinks on Friday night and we caught up on life and love and pain. We talked about a lot of things…husbands, boyfriends, babies and mamas. She made me remember how important friends are, and how the best ones stand by you not just through your best days, but also your worst. I am lucky to have so many amazing people in my life who love me, even when I feel like I am crazy. Who love me without condition, despite all of my setbacks and failures. And I am so thankful that my mom also has the greatest group of friends. Friends that have been by her side through every step of this horrific journey. Who love her no matter what. 

Mama, I'm Alright - Miranda Lambert 

Mama I'm OK out here, I've seen how hard the world can be. My step is sure and I know my name. I'm strong just like you prayed I'd be.

I know you worry about me, but I’m the person I am today because of you. You are the strongest, bravest, kindest woman I know and I am so lucky to have you in my life. But I still have so much to learn from you, which is why I need you to keep fighting…

I need you to keep fighting because I know you are tired. I know you are sad. And I know this treatment has finally started taking its toll.

I know you are struggling to gain weight. In fact, you are struggling to not lose weight.

I know you are adamant about not getting a feeding tube, but that you are way too small.

And that you refuse to consider an esophageal resection.

And that I am scared.

Because all I can think about is, what if the chemo and radiation still doesn’t work? What if the tumor is still there after all this is over?

What if the doctors tell you that surgery is your best option? Will you refuse? Will you just give up?

I know that you couldn’t get chemo this week. I relied on my good friend Google and learned all about low neutrophil counts and what that means for cancer patients. That your white blood cell counts are too low and you won’t be able to fight off infections. That you’re now a week behind on chemo and I have no idea what that means. I don’t know what happens next. I know you are crazy tired. That you sleep all the time. That your body aches and your stomach hurts and you are sick all the time. But I also know how strong you are. I know you can fight this. Because I need you.  

I know you don’t have all the answers, so for now, I will silence my worries with the music.

xo