hope is a fickle thing.

this video was taken three years ago today.

i was in mexico having an amazing week with some amazing people - but struggling with a breaking heart as mom was back in wisconsin, fighting for every moment as the cancer continued to spread - taking over every inch of her body.

i was going to cancel the trip at the last minute. we knew how sick she was (even if we didn't know how little time she had left) and i had decided instead to go home and spend those precious days with her.

but she refused.
she told me that if i didn't go, she would never speak to me again.

that's just who she was. always putting others first, never asking for anything in return.

so, i went. and we had the best time soaking up the sun and being together... but every morning i woke up with a knot in my stomach and an aching in my heart, and i would call her.

halfway through our trip, her stats plummeted and she was back in the hospital. i was heartbroken, and she was defeated. i will never forget the afternoon i finally got a hold of her. i was in a complete panic after trying to reach her for over 7 hours (and dad didn't have a cell phone 😑).

when she finally answered my call, she was in tears. i could hear her breaking down on the other end as she told me how tired she was. how sad she was.

it was only the second time since her diagnosis that she ever cried. i was crushed.

but then! at dinner our final night, dad called me with the most amazing news... mom was finally approved to start a very promising clinical trial! we celebrated so hard. we drank bottle after bottle of wine and toasted to mom. the news had changed everything.... i was SO sure mom was going to live. we were going to beat fucking cancer.

never, ever, in my wildest dreams, did i imagine i would lose her 16 days later 💔

#istherewineinheaven #missyoumore #psiloveyou