Except It Wasn't...

i still remember this day in vivid detail.

you got up that morning and took a shower. you got dressed, put your laundry away, and made some typical "terri" jokes. it was a normal day...

except it wasn't.

we sat on the couch together that afternoon, enjoying a glass of wine. we talked about everything and nothing. you asked about my friends, about their babies. you drilled me about what was new at work and how brandon was treating me. it was just a normal mother-daughter conversation...

except it wasn't.

that evening, you came into my room, wearing your cute wig and a snazzy outfit. you sat down in my chair and asked if i could help you with your makeup. it was something you had asked me to do a million times. it was a normal request....

except it wasn't.

your friends came over that night to hang out with you - enjoying some cocktails and sharing some laughs and fun memories. you watched a movie with them and gabbed late into the evening. it was just your average, normal girl's night...

 except it wasn't.

because nothing from that day was normal.

because your girlfriends came over that night to say goodbye to you.

because you asked me to help you with your makeup because your hands were shaking too much to do it yourself.

because in addition to showering and getting dressed - you also had to switch out your TPN bag and take more drugs and pain relievers than anyone should ever have to consume.

and because during that conversation on the couch - you tried to give me life advice. you tried to tell me you were leaving, but i refused to listen or acknowledge what was happening.

because that conversation with you about everything and nothing was the last real conversation i would ever have with you.

and i had no idea.

i wish i would have put your laundry away for you. i wish i would have let you talk... really talk to me. i wish i would have listened to what you were trying to say, or let you tell me again that you loved me and that i was going to be ok - just so i could hear you say it one more time. i wish i could have made you feel beautiful for your friends - so just for a moment, you could forget you were tired and in pain and rotting away from cancer.

i wish i would have known what was coming so i could have hugged you a little bit tighter.

i wish i would have told you how proud I WAS OF YOU. that you were the best mom and the very greatest part of my life. that you were smart and funny and talented and witty and kind and generous and loving and so, so increadibly special. i wish i could have told you how much i looked up to you - how much i want to be like you - and that no matter how much time passes, i will never, ever let anyone forget that you WERE HERE and you WERE AMAZING.

#istherewineinheaven #missyoumore #psiloveyou